? – Librianna, Bitch of the Black Sea (1981)
The opening narration proclaims that this film was shot entirely in Russia by the Russian underground who risked their lives by crossing borders to aid in the production of this fine film. Names have been changed to protect the innocent, of course. After that, a guy named Scott who is banging a chick in his bed goes back to the beginning to explain how he wound up in Moscow. We cut to his Seattle office where his editor is showing him a film about the political problems occurring in Soviet Russia. We then learn, through this film, about how pornography shot in underground studios is flourishing in the country and has reached even into the inner circles of the Kremlin where orgies are being carried out! Apparently the person behind all this is a Russian sex queen named Librianna who strikes against the commies at will. Our hero is sent to interview the mysterious Librianna, who we learn is a master of disguise, before the red soldiers hunt her down.
As our hero heads to Russia from Seattle on a train (???) we learn that he’s heading to find her villa on the Black Sea. We also learn the being fluent in the Russian language helps a lot when buying ice cream cones in Russia. This film is very educational! He hoes on a plane and goes to Moscow where a curly haired ‘Russian’ girl gives him head in the bathroom. After joining the mile high club, stock footage shows us what Moscow is really like. Our hero figures that since Librianna is a woman, she must like to shop so he heads to a department store figuring that’s where she’ll be – no dice. She’s not hanging out in the subway either. Where could she be? Is she at the parade? Nope. She’s nowhere to be found until he runs into a black-marketeer who puts him on her trail in exchange for two cartons of American cigarettes and a digital watch! He puts him in touch with a bus driver who puts him in touch with Miya (who has a red star tattooed on her ass), who he promptly nails. But no, Miya is a traitor and he’s been set up and promptly goes to a Russian jail where officers call him ‘fucker.’
We finally meet Librianna, a cute, curvy, blonde chick with freckles and giant boobs, as she looks over her video monitor as Scott is interrogated in the prison. She springs him with the help of her pal Ivan by short circuiting their computer and having Scott transferred. RAD. They take him back to their headquarters where we learn that Librianna intends to overthrow the commies through debauchery. A few disfigured henchmen and a couple of goofy sex scenes later (one of which involves Librianna fucking a book!), Scott is basically coerced into joining their cause, which seems to primarily involve having sex with the various Russian gals in Librianna’s army and eventually with Librianna herself until it’s time to pull off a Bond-esque plan that somehow involves skin-diving, hookah pipes, oral sex and a weaponless take over of a Russian prison camp.
Obviously made in the US and padded with copious amounts of stock footage in hopes of making the film look like it was shot on location in Russia, Librianna: Bitch Of The Black Sea is so gloriously retarded that it’s almost mind boggling. The plot borrows from a few different sources and seems to be a mix of themes from the James Bond movies and the Ilsa films with a bit of Emmanuelle’s investigative reporting tactics thrown in for good measure. The dubbing adds a second layer of delirium to the film as do the low rent make up effects, Wurlitzer soundtrack, and nonsensical dialogue.
Villains who do little but go ‘hahahahahahahah’ over and over again, a heroin in a cat suit, and a horny but semi-intrepid reporter lead this cast of unrecognizable performers. The gal playing Librianna is credited as Pezda Vantucka, but that’s obviously a pseudonym. The only other performer listed in the credits is Vladick Caydoy, we can assume that’s Scott maybe? No writer or director are credited and the script is riddled with the kind of bad puns your grandfather would tell you over dinner when you were too young to laugh at fart jokes. At the end of the movie Librianna fucks our hero in front of a camera wearing her cat mask. He’s wearing a bear suit and bear sounds play over the soundtrack. I don’t know why this happened, I only know that it did and that Librianna: Bitch Of The Black Sea may be one of the finest films ever made.