Alan Roberts – The Sexpert (1972)
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
You would have thought “nudie cuties” were obsolete by 1972 -after all DEEP THROAT was out. But THE SEXPERT disproves that, an updated, oddball mixture of naughty with not nice. Beware the new truncated (bowdlerized) DVD version -stick with the more complete DVD-R.
The new After Hours Cinema edition on DVD runs 10 minutes short compared to Something Weird’s VHS and DVD-R options, with nearly all the sexiest moments removed. Why they took such a lousy print and foisted it on the public can be inferred from the AHC packaging which spotlights the participation of fan fave Rene Bond, even though her already minor role is reduced to mere seconds on screen in their version. It’s called bait & switch.
Film’s major problem is its tired premise of a typical “schmo reacts to nude girls” that dates back to Russ Meyer’s groundbreaking THE IMMORAL MR. TEAS and after umpteen imitations was even substantiated by Allen Funt’s unusual foray into X territory with WHAT DO YOU SAY TO A NAKED LADY? Here we have the boring spectacle of terminally unfunny comic Stan Ross making faces as beautiful women show us their bodies but he can’t get any. We’re treated to insipid narration and “comical” dirty inter-titles in the style of a silent film.
The wag who shills for Something Weird compared Ross to Buster Keaton, but the guy has no talent whatsoever, and in place of Keaton’s famed dead pan he pulls faces so aggressively that even Jerry Lewis would step in and make a citizen’s arrest. All that’s missing here are Jerry’s infamous “hey I’m Japanese” false teeth.
The various burlesque routines are executed on the level of a Bethel Buckalew sex comedy, ranging from such hoary skits as the farmer’s daughter meets Ross the traveling salesman and even “it’s my husband -hide!”, when Ross gets close to some bed time with a slightly older femme.
The girls are pretty sex starlets and pinups so THE SEXPERT is easy on the eye. What makes the film odd are lengthy inserts (I clocked the most explicit one at a full eleven minutes) that depart from the cutesy format and are instead in the shape of a white-coater’s “sex demo”. Bond and her inevitable paramour Ric Lutze are featured in one of these featuring the peculiar softcore standard of him eating a strawberry sundae off of her private parts. That’s one antiquated fetish I’ve never understood in this genre. But the lengthiest insert segment has a couple actually making love -we don’t see the penetration shot during intercourse but a lingering closeup of the man fingering the actress explicitly goes over the line into hardcore. Needless to say, all this hard action is in the XXX SWV version, not the R-almost-PG-13 AHC one.
The film’s kicker is when Marvin Miller of the classic “The Millionaire” TV series, shows up to hand Ross a cashier’s check for a million bucks just like he did back then.
What’s wrong with this junker is simple: t’ain’t funny, McGee.